Frozen in time

In the weeks that passed after my Hysteroscopy I was feeling really down. To keep my spirits lifted and my mind occupied, I researched a lot about Frozen Embryo Transfers (FET’s). Findings showed that sometimes FET’s were more successful than fresh cycles because it was less stress on the body. Lots of women who had failed fresh IVF cycles had successful frozen ones. I was hoping that would be me. Another advantage of FET’s is that they do a process called Assisted Hatching. This is a laboratory technique which helps embryos “hatch out” of their shell by creating a small hole around the embryo. Eric and I had to sign several documents approving this technique due to the increased risk of identical twins. I could only research so much before feeling depressed again. I didn’t feel like doing anything let alone go to work. One night I told Eric that I really didn’t want to work the next day. He excitedly exclaimed, “gotta pay for that baby!” 🙂 He was always trying to cheer me up. It’s amazing how God works in mysterious ways at the right time. While at work, I happened to meet a girl who went through IVF recently with the same doctor I go to and was pregnant. It was such a joy to see a positive outcome to this journey. We talked for awhile, exchanged phone numbers, and she invited me to an online support group. This support group proved to be such a blessing because I knew I wasn’t alone in my dream to achieve motherhood. It was nice to talk with others who could relate to what I was going through. We shared our stories, asked questions, and most importantly supported one another.

The support I received from friends and family were amazing this time.

Even though I had less injections with the FET, I had more pills than my fresh cycle. I took 29 pills a day.

My last appointment before my FET was on Wednesday, July 2, 2014. My appointment went great from start to finish. My doctor said everything looked perfect and was “text book” material. It was my best appointment yet. I told him that I hoped it worked this time and he simply responded, “God willing.” He was right. He had done everything he could “science” wise and now it was out of his control. As I was leaving the office, the receptionist rubbed my shoulder and wished me good luck as well as a patient in the waiting room whom I had never met. I was on cloud nine after my appointment and optimistic for the time being.

Eric and I traveled to Michigan the night before my FET on Thursday, July 10, 2014. We weren’t even five minutes from our house when I started having an anxiety attack. Having been through IVF before one would think I would be used to the emotional roller coaster that goes with it. This time around was different. I knew too much. I knew the odds weren’t in my favor. I was concerned about the thawing of our embryos. We wouldn’t know until my transfer the next morning if they survived. What if they didn’t implant again? I started to panic. We finally made it to Michigan and checked into our hotel. We went to dinner and the entire time I was on edge. I didn’t like this new location. Traffic was terrible and it was an unfamiliar place. Since this was our first time here, we drove by the IVF clinic so we knew exactly where we were going the next day. We then returned to our hotel to get some rest. I was restless. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried. I texted my IVF friends who gave me encouraging words and eventually calmed me down.

This was right after drinking water. Little did I know how I’d be feeling in a couple of hours.

The next morning on Friday, July 11, 2014 the only prep I had to do was drink 24-32 ounces of water 1 1/2 hours prior to my transfer time. In order to visualize the uterus for embryo transfer the bladder has to be full. How hard could that be? I had to do this last time and it was no big deal. In fact, last time the nurse asked me if I needed to empty my bladder a little. I told her I was fine and wondered how girls were able to release some urine without stopping. I thought that would be really difficult to do, but luckily I didn’t have to worry about it. This time was the total opposite. By the time we reached the IVF clinic I was in excruciating pain from having a full bladder. I was sweating and felt like I was going to pass out. I knew I only had to hold it a little longer. I could do this. It was important. Really, it’s usually the easiest step of IVF. Staring at the clock, 15 minutes went by, then another 15, and then another. They were running behind schedule. Eric tried to keep me distracted by pointing out impressive touches in the facility. This was only the second day their doors were open and you could tell. Everything was brand new and modern, staged like rooms on the HGTV shows I watched. Magnificent artwork, beautiful pieces of furniture, gorgeous light fixtures and floors, and flatscreen televisions hanging on the wall. I wasn’t able to enjoy the beauty around me. I felt like I was short with Eric. I couldn’t hold it any longer. I ran to the bathroom and let a little out, then returned to the waiting room. Just for the record, it is extremely difficult to only let a little out. Even though I didn’t want to be “that” patient, I told Eric to ask the receptionist when they were going to call me back because I couldn’t take it any longer. She told him that she just called back and they were coming to get me soon. He expressed my pain and she told me to not go. Shortly after talking with Eric, she motioned me to come to the desk. She informed me that I could go but only for 3 seconds. I went again. Soon after I returned to the waiting room we were finally called back. I quickly dressed into my surgical attire and sat on the stretcher. As a nurse drew some bloodwork I began to cry. The pain from the fullness of my bladder was unbearable. I just wanted this day to be over with. I asked if I could remove the warm, soft robe they had me wear for the walk down the hall to my room. I was feeling faint. They told me that I was the only patient hot that day. They let me go to the bathroom for a third and final time for another 3 seconds. I kept apologizing. This day was supposed to be exciting like last time. It was not how I imagined.

In the operating room, I was still in excruciating pain.

They quickly took us to the operating room where I laid down on the table and got positioned for the transfer. My doctor entered the room and told us immediately that one of our embryos didn’t survive the thaw. It disintegrated. I didn’t even have time to register what he said because before I knew it he was handing me the picture of our last embryo. Due to assisted hatching, this embryo looked different than my last two. It was our one and only graded a 4BA which the embryologist said would be an A- or B+. I felt like this embryo had to be strong. It survived the freezing process, the move, and now the thawing process. I had to stay positive for this one. My doctor complimented me on a job well done once he saw my bladder on the ultrasound screen. I was relieved that I didn’t ruin the transfer since I went to the restroom three times. Eric watched as our embryo was inserted into my uterus. I wasn’t able to see the screen and to be quite honest I was trying to do everything I could to not pee all over the table and my doctor. I could feel every instrument and catheter that was placed inside me. If that wasn’t enough, the ultrasound tech was applying pressure on my bladder in order to visualize my uterus correctly. The entire transfer only took about 5 minutes. I maybe laid there another 5 minutes before they got me up to fully empty my bladder. When I returned to my room I felt like I could now take this beautiful place all in. We actually had our own room and didn’t have to share and hear conversations of other couples.  After laying there for a little while we then left for home.

My bladder is that big black circle on the ultrasound. It’s huge!

My favorite picture from my FET of my embryo and I.

Our first family picture. 🙂

The dreaded 2WW was here again. I was pregnant until proven otherwise (PUPO). This time was even worse than the first. Believe it or not, I had more anxiety this time around. I cried the first two days I was home from my transfer and had a headache. I felt like my statistics this time. At times I felt very positive, thinking even though I only had one embryo the assisted hatching still gave me double the chances. It only took one and this could be my miracle baby. I couldn’t get over how strong this little boy or girl was in order to survive this whole IVF process. On the other hand, at times I felt very negative, thinking that if it didn’t work last time and I had two of the best graded embryos why would it work this time? I purposely didn’t get too attached to this embryo in fear of saying goodbye to our last of four. I was guarding my emotions. I didn’t want to fall in love with this one like I did my two embryos from my first cycle. I would glance at the ultrasound picture every now and then and was proud to show my friends and family; yet, I was cautious of my vulnerability. To be honest, I kind of feel guilty that I didn’t have as strong a bond with this embryo as I did my others.

I had bloodwork to check hormone levels on Monday, July 14, 2014. Just like my first cycle, I never received a call to adjust any medications so all was well. One week later on Monday, July 21, 2014 it was time for my beta pregnancy test. This time around I didn’t take any urine pregnancy tests. I didn’t want to put myself through that agony and wanted to be surprised when the office called. I felt like it could go either way. I didn’t feel any different just like my first cycle so I had a hunch that I wasn’t pregnant. Eric was home when I received the call this time. Once again, I could tell by my nurse’s tone the outcome. She said, “unfortunately, I have bad news. Your hCG was less than 1.” Eric and I were frozen in time. It seemed my heart stopped beating. How could my hCG be lower than my first cycle? Why wasn’t the embryo implanting? The nurse told me to stop all medications and asked if I wanted to schedule a time to meet with my doctor to discuss things. I had already scheduled a follow up appointment with him weeks prior to my FET just in case my cycle failed. I knew I couldn’t wait two weeks like I did for my first cycle so I planned ahead. I was thankful because I only had to wait two days before seeing him. After getting off the phone with the nurse Eric sat still on the couch while I bawled sitting on the recliner. We were deflated. I could see the anger in his eyes. As I cried, I began packing up anything IVF related and stored them out of sight. Even though I had already experienced a failure it didn’t make the heartache any less. In fact, it escalated emotions because I started reliving feelings of sorrow from my first failed cycle. We didn’t cope well with the news. Last time Eric and I held each other and wept together. This time we didn’t console one another. He was angry and I was devastated. I actually gave my dog a bath to focus my mind off my grief. I felt so alone in that all of my IVF friends had success on their first or second round. It wasn’t fair that I had to experience this suffering twice. Why wasn’t this working? I was eager for my doctor to answer this question and many others.

Courtney