National Infertility Awareness Week

“Infertility is a heart-wrenching, faith-questioning, relationship-testing, life-altering experience.” I found this quote online while I was struggling with infertility which explains it perfectly. April 19th-25th, 2015 is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). According to the National Infertility Association, 1 in 8 couples have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy. Infertility affects all races, genders, and ethnicities. I was able to meet a lot of diverse couples sitting in the fertility center’s waiting room. Despite coming from different backgrounds, we all had that same desire…to become a parent. Just over a year ago, after much research, Eric and I decided to travel down the IVF road due to struggling with infertility for countless years. In my mind I thought that IVF was guaranteed to work and didn’t seem that hard from what little I knew. Unbeknownst to me, IVF wasn’t as glamorous as society and celebrities made it appear.

Over one year ago we were informed that our first IVF cycle did not work. A few months later we found out that our second IVF cycle did not work. I quickly discovered that IVF wasn’t such an easy process nor always successful. I was tired of hearing, “Are you pregnant yet?” Needless to say, infertility and depression go hand in hand. I contemplated which title for my blog post should be next: No longer up to science, The adoption option, or Always want what you can’t have. After two IVF failures, Eric and I had so much on our minds. My fertility doctor told me after our second failed attempt that one of his patients had to try IVF 5 times before it was successful. I remember thinking if I could try 5 times eventually I would have to fall on the right side of statistics, right?! People would always tell me that they wanted what I had…a loving husband. I always thought to myself, why can’t I have the best of both worlds-a wonderful husband and a child? Eric and I researched adoption and surrogacy intently, but when it came down to it something in my heart told me to try IVF one more time. Looking back, I’m still in awe that IVF finally worked for us.

I’ve said this before but it’s so true, success after failure is like a huge slice of humble pie. Often times, I feel guilty for not documenting my pregnancy journey as much as I had hoped. I thought as soon as I conceived I would take multiple pictures of my growing bump. In all honestly, I haven’t taken many pictures because a part of me will always have those feelings I experienced with infertility. Pictures and videos of baby bumps and ultrasounds on social media were difficult to see while in the blues. As odd as this may sound, I still feel infertile. I was infertile for so long that you become part of the “infertility family”. I have feelings of guilt that I finally had success while so many others are still trying. A part of me also doesn’t want to get my hopes up too much. I remember like it was yesterday when I was celebrating 10 weeks of pregnancy. Then, the next day I was in the ER for a threatened miscarriage. In a blink of an eye I could have lost the babies. For these reasons I get choked up easily talking about my IVF and pregnancy journey. I remember when I got my blood drawn a week before my beta pregnancy test and the receptionist asked if there was any chance of pregnancy. I started crying. It was the first time in my life that I could answer yes. Moreover, my heart just melts as I get teary-eyed when Eric comes home from work and asks, “How are my girls?” 🙂

Infertility will always be a part of my life. It’s part of who I am now. Please be mindful of others traveling down this worrisome road. Whether it be a family member, friend, colleague, or acquaintance, there is more than likely someone struggling with infertility in your circle of life. I am very open about my journey; however, not everyone is which can make it even more difficult because they could feel alone. Please keep them in your prayers. For those of you struggling with infertility I know nothing I say will make you feel better. Quite simply, it’s just not fair. I remember those emotions of hopelessness and despair that go along with infertility. Just know that there is hope despite all odds. I’m living proof.

 

I found this chart in the book, “A Few Good Eggs.” It brings back memories of our journey. It is so true and somewhat comical b/c my husband and I experienced almost all of these. (giving injection in the car for example) 😉

 

Courtney

Gender Reveal Party

We finally finished editing our gender reveal party video. We hope you like it!

Eric & Courtney

Moment of truth

I never thought I would receive that phone call. That conversation with a doctor who tells you something you don’t want to hear. Hearing results that were bad news is exactly what happened to me on Wednesday, January 21, 2015.

I received a phone call from my OB saying that one of my first trimester tests came back and showed low values for the PAPP-A test. PAPP-A, which stands for Pregnancy-Associated Plasma Protein A, is a test that measures levels of protein in the mother’s blood. I could tell by my doctor’s tone of voice that whatever this was wasn’t good. She informed me that we would have to see a genetic counselor due to my low levels. She said it could mean there is a problem with the placenta(s) or a sign that I’ll have preeclampsia. I could lose both of them. I was in disbelief. PAPP-A affects the placenta, something no one can prevent. When values are low it could result in complications like intrauterine growth restriction (IUGR), placenta abruption, and fetal death. I tried to hold it together on the phone as I took in this nerve-racking information. I tried to be brave. Words tried to leave my mouth as my lips quivered and I started to get choked up. I cried. My mind was racing as my heart dropped. My heart was breaking. I could not lose another baby. This journey to pregnancy and pregnancy itself has been exhausting. I was tired of being strong. It seemed there was always something wrong. I could take the nausea, vomiting, sleepless nights, sciatica pain, injections in my butt each morning, bed rest, etc…I was just tired of being tired. Despite the dreadful news, all I could think about were my baby girls. They always looked so healthy on that ultrasound screen waving at us and looking cute as ever. I knew they were strong. They survived going through IVF, they survived a minor car accident, they survived that frightening day in the ER with all that blood loss, and now I had to hope and pray they continued to be fighters.

I bawled for an hour straight after that phone call. I didn’t know who to tell or what to do. Eric was in a meeting so I didn’t want to bother him nor tell him over the phone. When he came home for lunch he asked right away what was wrong as I broke into more tears. He took it like a champ as he comforted me. Maybe he was use to receiving bad news with me? I knew he was scared but wanted to stay strong for me since I was clearly falling apart emotionally. During that hour before he arrived home I researched online (“Dr. Google” as Eric likes to call it) about PAPP-A. I read forums and articles on this topic out loud to Eric, the most common issue with a low value of PAPP-A being intrauterine growth retardation. Eric and I already knew since we were having twins that our girls would more than likely be smaller. We were already preparing ourselves in case our girls have to stay in the NICU for a little bit due to their sizes. IUGR is a different story. If the girls do not continue to grow they can die in utero. I have only gained 3lbs. which is a concern because I’m over 4 months pregnant with twins. My BMI is in the normal range for a girl that is not pregnant. All of 2014 I wasn’t allowed to exercise due to IVF but continued to lose weight due to the powerful medications I was prescribed. Being pregnant with twins, I thought I would show sooner than most girls pregnant with just one. That hasn’t been the case for me. I expressed my concern with Eric about my lack of weight gain and how I worried about the girls being so tiny. He jokingly said, “we’ll just have Ohio State cheerleaders, that’s all.” 🙂 He was trying to make me smile. One thing I did know was how blessed I was to have him in my life. After Eric went back to work, I decided to call Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) because I was still alarmed by the findings online. The nurse informed me that they were concerned with the twin’s growth and would discuss more information with me at my next appointment which was on Monday, 5 days away.

On Monday, January 26, 2015, as Eric and I sat in my high risk doctor’s office, I couldn’t help but feel anxious about what he was going to say to us. The moment of truth was upon us and it took me by complete surprise. My doctor informed us that everything was perfectly fine with our girls. He said that the OB doctor should have never called me because it is very common for women expecting twins to have low levels of PAPP-A. We had an ultrasound done that showed that both girls weighed 5oz. each which is exactly on target for a twin pregnancy. To say I was relieved was an understatement. Since I’m being seen by MFM, I do not have a choice to opt-out of each trimester screening test which has proven to have false negatives. With that said, I am very thankful that I am monitored so closely at MFM.  I’m somewhat “spoiled” that I am able to see my girls every two weeks via ultrasound. In my next blog post I will be sharing ultrasound pictures of them showing their growth from a tiny tadpole to a fetus. The miracle of life is incredible. I remember leaving that appointment thanking God over and over for His protection and blessings.

Courtney

Shake it off

Throughout my blog posts I have tried to educate others on infertility, specifically the IVF process. I honestly believe that others are now more aware of the “dos and don’ts” of what to say to couples traveling down this road. Personally, things became better for Eric and I after I expressed my feelings because people knew how to approach this sensitive topic after reading my posts. I thought once I became pregnant that the hurtful comments would completely disappear. I should have known by now things never go as I imagine…

To all of those who have provided meals, sent cards, donated time and money, and most of all who have prayed, thank you very much. We are beyond blessed to have such gracious people help us on the road of life.

Let me first start off by saying how grateful we are for our wonderful support group which consists of our family, church family, friends, co-workers, and the countless others who know our story and pray for us on a regular basis. We are blown away by the generosity of everyone. Eric and I aren’t use to receiving “hand outs” and feel almost guilty at times receiving support, such as meals from others. One of my friends asked me some time ago if she could start a “go fund me” account (GoFundMe) to help with the costs associated with IVF since insurance doesn’t cover a dime. If there is one thing I could change in the medical world, it would be that at least part of IVF could be covered by insurance. Eric and I talked it over and prayed about it for awhile. Multiple times going through our IVF journey we saw fundraisers, spaghetti dinners, auctions, and car washes for couples in the adoption process. There is much more acceptance and support for adopting than IVF. I’ve always wondered why there are more benefits and such for couples that are adopting. Maybe because people think it’s more of a sure thing (even though adoption is a very complex process and isn’t always a sure thing), where IVF can fail. My husband was adopted and I am very grateful for that and have a lot of respect for people who choose to adopt. I just wish the same acceptance of people helping and assistance was given to couples going through IVF. Once I was told that I had to be off work for another 12 weeks, and my income would be reduced due to receiving Short Term Disability, we wondered if the go fund me site was one of God’s ways of providing for us. We gave my friend our blessing and she shared the website. The response I received was overwhelming. I remember crying when we received the first donation and watched in amazement as more and more came in. These people, mostly anonymous, were big-hearted. I’ll never be able to thank them enough for helping us during this time. The happiness faded quickly as I began seeing posts on Facebook and hearing others saying, “it was your choice to do IVF” and “since we chose IVF, we should have known the cost associated with it.” With IVF there are so many unknowns, costs being one, which one wouldn’t understand unless they have experienced it. Furthermore, I wasn’t planning on being off work, but due to my health reasons I have to be.

The hurtful comments didn’t stop there. Before our gender reveal party someone said, “they tried so hard to get pregnant, why can’t they just be happy with what they get?” This person thought it was silly to do such a party and thought we would be disappointed if they were a certain gender. We knew from the beginning, the day of our embryo transfer, we were having girls and were thrilled to share the news with our family. I’ve always been a planner and for that reason wanted to know the genders of our babies. We heard and still hear countless comments about having girls. Comments like, “thank God I don’t have any girls” and “good luck with that!” The most insensitive comment was when someone said, “we cheated the system to get twins.” This one hurt deep within my soul. I didn’t choose to struggle with infertility. I never wanted to go through IVF. This wasn’t the life I had in mind. We struggled. We had failures. We’re now blessed. Ever since we found out we were having twins the most common question asked is, “are they natural?” When people ask this question it feels like they’re basically saying since my child wasn’t naturally conceived they’re not as special. Eric and I almost feel like some people think our twins are robots or some kind of fascinating experiment. A word of advice as to how to inquire about twins would be to say, “do twins run in your family?” That question is tactful, yet inquisitive.

Despite all of the jokes, sarcasm, and negativity, I know I just need to “shake it off” like the popular song by Taylor Swift suggests. It’s not an easy task, but I also need to remember what’s truly important in life. Others will always have their opinions and comments. I went through a lot to get where I’m at and cannot let others take away my happiness.

 

Courtney

Hello 2015!

Like every year, 2014 was filled with ups and downs. There were hopes and dreams, joys and concerns, and moments that I will never forget. 2014 was the year of IVF for Eric and I. Despite the emotional, mental, physical, and financial toll, it was the year my wish finally came true; my wish of conceiving.

The IVF clinic, staff, and doctors will always have a special place in my heart. My last appointment with them was bittersweet. I was sad to say goodbye to the doctor that helped me get one step closer to parenthood. I’ll always remember that special day we found out we were having twins during my ultrasound. My doctor said, “hello little girls!” as he looked at me with a huge smile on his face. When the ultrasound was done he gave me a hug. I said, “I love you” and he said to Eric “sorry Eric.” Eric responded, “I’m use to it.” 🙂 Eric knew I loved my doctor for helping me receive the best gifts of all, our children. My doctor never gave up on me and without him I wouldn’t be where I am today. The staff at the IVF clinic were like family to me, comforting me when I was down in the dumps, giving me a shoulder to cry on; encouraging me to never give up, celebrating great news. Although it was sad to say goodbye, I was also glad to end that chapter in my life and begin a new one. I was referred to Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM), the high risk doctor, who would be taking over my care for the duration of my pregnancy.

As Eric and I sat in the waiting room at MFM, I couldn’t help but notice the amount of girls with sadness plastered over their faces. Each and every one of us were there for a serious health condition concerning us and/or our babies; we were not there by choice. I had an ultrasound done, three to be exact since one of the twins wasn’t cooperating. Seeing our girls on ultrasound made me realize they were the only things that mattered at that moment. All my anxieties were put on hold. We then met with my new doctor in a tiny room. I was so eager to ask him the list of questions I had on my notepad. The first question being if I was able to return to work. I wasn’t ready for his response. He said there is still blood on the ultrasound but he didn’t see any large hematomas (those big blood clots I passed in the ER). He said I have a life threatening condition, my blood clotting disorder, and he’s worried because I cannot be on my medications because I’m still bleeding. Basically, if I restart my medications, I’ll bleed which is not good for the twins. If I don’t restart my medications, I’m at a high risk of developing blood clots, which is not good for me. 😦 He proceeded to say that I have to be off work another 12 weeks! My heart sank into my chest. I kept thinking, how am I supposed to have enough money to pay the bills still coming in from the IVF clinic, the ER visits, and now my MFM and OB appointments? We haven’t even began work on the nursery, so how am I going to be able to purchase the necessary items for them? My mom has a wooden sign in her home that flashed through my head. It simply says, God will provide. Throughout our entire journey, God was always with us. In 2015 we pray that the rest of our pregnancy goes smoothly and we get to hold our girls this summer.

 

Photos courtesy of our friend Erika Pease. We can’t thank you enough for the beautiful pictures!

Courtney

Can’t catch a break

Everything was going so well in my pregnancy. In fact, at times I almost felt guilty that my pregnancy was going so easily because I have friends who are expecting that have been sick non-stop. I would get nauseous every now and then but never got sick. I felt blessed. I kept thinking that maybe this was my break. I had such a difficult time becoming pregnant that maybe my pregnancy would be an easier journey. I made it to 10 weeks and 1 day with twins which I thought was a huge accomplishment. Once again, I couldn’t be more wrong…

What you read from this point forward is not for the faint of heart…we are telling this story so if others experience this, they can relate and find comfort and support.

Yesterday (Monday, December 15, 2014) was the scariest day of my life. I woke up feeling just fine and got ready for work. I was getting ready to leave when I decided to use the restroom one last time before heading out. Eric was preparing my progesterone injection when I started yelling for him to come to the bathroom. Something wasn’t right. I had absolutely no bleeding this pregnancy (other than implantation bleeding which is very common when the embryos first implant into one’s uterus). Now I was spotting. I decided to call my fertility doctor. After all, he gave me his cell phone number for emergency situations like this. When I called he said he was in a lecture but would call me in a few minutes. He called back and I explained what was going on. He asked if I did anything differently the day before. I proceeded to tell him no and he said that 60% of IVF girls bleed in their first trimester and not to be concerned unless the bleeding becomes heavier. I had an appointment with him in 2 days so he said there was no need to be seen before then. He told me to stay home from work the next few days, rest, and drink lots of water. Eric left for work and I fell asleep on the recliner. A couple hours later I woke up from a nap and went to the restroom. This is when I knew something was really wrong. I called Eric immediately and told him he needed to come home right away. When he arrived he rushed into the bathroom and started sobbing. He could see the reason why I was in a state of panic. He called my doctor once more and told him that my bleeding had progressed and was a heavy flow of bright red blood with clots. My doctor said, “get her to an emergency room right away!”

That drive to Lima was the longest trip of my life. I wasn’t even crying. I was scared beyond words. I kept thinking, “how are we going to tell everyone we lost our girls? It’s ten days before Christmas so how am I going to function seeing friends and family at Christmas gatherings? What will I do with the cute girl gifts I’ve received? I can’t possibly send out our New Year’s cards because the girls are a part of it.” When we arrived at the ER it wasn’t long before I was in a room. The nurse gave me a specimen cup and told me to use the restroom to try and catch some of the blood for pathology so it could be tested. Without being to graphic, the hospital bathroom looked like a murder scene. I was covered in blood, along with the bathroom floor, and was hysterical to say the least. What looked like a huge clot gushed out of me into the specimen cup. I started bawling. I thought for sure we lost one or both of our twins right then and there. Eric was outside the bathroom door, concern in his voice asking if I wanted him to come in. I wouldn’t allow him. I didn’t want him to see me like this; didn’t want him to see the girls outside their mother’s womb. I pulled myself together and walked back into my room. I started having feelings similar to after my IVF cycles failed. I felt like a failure. I kept apologizing to Eric. I felt responsible. I told him, “Maybe I was never meant to have babies. I can’t go through IVF again. I need to find a surrogate for our last frozen embryo, our son.” I wondered why this was happening to me. Haven’t I been through enough?

The nurse came back into the room with the chaplain and we held hands as we prayed for our little girls whom we thought we lost. Even the nurse seeing the specimen cup thought I miscarried. To verify the miscarriage an ultrasound was ordered. It was time for the moment of truth. The ultrasound tech informed us that she could not answer any questions. I said, “we’ll know if they’re there or not.” Eric and I were use to seeing our little girls because I have ultrasounds frequently. Right away we saw two very active girls. They were showing off, doing flips and waving. Almost saying to us, “we’re okay!” 🙂 Their heartbeats were strong. They didn’t seem bothered by what was going on around them. Eric instantly wept. I just stared in disbelief. I couldn’t get over how God kept amazing me. My favorite bible verse once again kept running through my head. “He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted. ” Job 5:9. Even though we were thrilled with the news that our babies were still alive, I couldn’t help but wonder what I delivered. I kept telling Eric that it had to be a blood clot. The nurse informed us that she had never seen anything like this. Two perfectly healthy babies, yet the mother bleeding so heavily. A bunch of bloodwork was ordered, one to check my hCG (pregnancy hormone) and an urinalysis to test for a UTI. I had to get a straight catheter which was not pleasant at all. Hours later, the doctor came in and said everything came back normal. However, on the ultrasound they were able to see blood which is called Subchorionic Hematoma (SCH).

SCH, or Subchorionic bleeding, is the gathering of blood between the membranes of the placenta and the uterus. This occurs in just over 1% of pregnancies. Of course I would fall into that percentage. These bleeds, or clots, can cause the placenta to separate from the uterine wall if they get too large, if they develop in a bad spot, or if they aren’t eventually reabsorbed. The ER doctor informed me that this is the most common bleeding in the first trimester, although I wasn’t out of the clear yet. She said it’s 50/50. I could eventually stop bleeding on my own by either “bleeding the rest out” or my body will absorb it, or I will have a miscarriage. The worst part is that my babies are in danger and I can’t do anything about it. There is no cure for this. No medications, no fixing the problem. Typically when this happens towards the end of the first trimester and when the babies have a strong heartbeat, it will be a viable pregnancy. Most women are on bed rest for the duration of their pregnancy with this condition. Needless to say, I’m anxious and scared because I could not only bleed my entire pregnancy, but also have another threatened miscarriage like yesterday. I never want to experience that again.

Eric and I experienced a whirlwind of emotions yesterday. We started the day off crying tears of sadness and ended the day with tears of joy. We have a very long road ahead of us. Prayers would be greatly appreciated for the bleeding to stop, for the girls to continue to grow and stay strong, and peace of mind for Eric and I.

Courtney

“The stockings weren’t hung…”

When Eric and I first got married I couldn’t wait to make new memories and start new traditions with him, especially pertaining to holidays. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday so naturally I was excited to purchase some stockings for us. Being the planner I am and having a little OCD, I wanted to make sure we bought enough for our entire family down the road. I wanted them all to match so I ordered a bunch of Christmas stockings for any baby Hurless’ that would hopefully come in the near future. Time passed, year after year, with no baby. What once used to be an exciting time of year turned into being a depressing time for me. Each year I would get out our Christmas decorations and see the stockings I had for my entire family that I didn’t have. My heart ached. Holidays became a very difficult time for me. I remember all too well the loneliness at the end of the day after each holiday function. Going home to an empty house is not how I pictured my life. Of course Eric was always there for me, but there was something missing. I wanted what seemed so easy to my family and friends…a child. I come from a huge family so it wasn’t unusual for multiple people to be expecting at each holiday gathering along with being surrounded by countless babies and children. As much as I loved playing and snuggling with my nieces, nephews, and cousins, a part of me was heartbroken. Holidays became a reminder that I didn’t have that family I always wanted.

I couldn’t wait to get home from work the night of Thanksgiving. All I could think about was that this year we could choose stockings for our girls…a day I’ve waited for years. Next year we will have their names embroidered on them and it’ll be the first year I can happily look at that stack of stockings and hang them on the mantle.

This Christmas is bittersweet for me. I am beyond blessed for the tiny miracles God has blessed me with. I am also reminded that December 16, 2014, was the due date of my twins if my first IVF cycle would have worked. I think of that date often and get reminders through email that I should be getting exciting to meet my babies. I purchased some pregnancy apps during my first IVF cycle on my two week wait, feeling confident that it was going to work. Sadly, it didn’t work so I changed the settings on my app so I wouldn’t get these email reminders. I changed it numerous times and still receive updates on what would have been my “first pregnancy.” I know I’m going to shed some tears that day in honor of my little babies. I’ll never forget them and will never know why they weren’t chosen to stay with their mommy. All I do know is that God has a plan and His plan is always better than ours. Even though I am expecting this holiday season, I will never forget that hurt, sadness, and longing to have a child. I’m so very thankful for this experience and pray that others struggling with infertility will soon get to choose their baby’s stocking too. 🙂

Courtney

 

Coming soon…

Eric and I have been collecting videos and pictures all throughout our journey since February. With God’s blessing, we can now put it all together in a video documentary. Eric has created a short movie trailer giving a glimpse at our video that will be released early next week. We hope you enjoy!

Courtney

Third time’s a charm

Against all odds. Fell on the right side of statistics. Thank you God they stuck. Coming up with a title for my most exciting blog post yet was difficult. They all made perfect titles. I had to go with my favorite because more than all others it just felt right, Third time’s a charm. Yes, if you’re reading this, my womb has been blessed. I’m pregnant. I can’t even type that without crying. Happy tears of course. 🙂 I still cannot believe this is real. It feels like I’m in a dream, the best dream of my life, and at any moment someone is going to wake me. However, it isn’t a dream. Every morning I take a pregnancy test those two lines are there, making me smile from ear to ear thanking God.

Never thought this day would come. The top one is Thursday and the last two are Monday. Each day got a little darker.

I started taking home pregnancy tests two days after my transfer. I knew this was way too early but one of my IVF friends suggested taking pregnancy tests every morning after the transfer that way I knew when it was truly positive. With IVF, you have to give yourself a hCG trigger shot which matures your eggs 36 hours before egg retrieval. Due to this, many women can get false positives because the pregnancy tests are detecting the hCG (pregnancy hormone) that’s in their systems. For that reason the office recommends waiting at least 12 days to get an accurate result with a pregnancy test if you’ve had a hCG shot. Contrary to what my office suggested, I began taking these tests and every morning they were negative. My hCG wasn’t even showing up. A little part of me thought, “geez, I can’t even get a false positive.” I quickly changed my thoughts and wondered if it was because these pregnancy tests were from the dollar store, or maybe the hCG had already flushed through my system. On Thursday, October 30, 2014 I woke up at 6AM and used the restroom. It’s recommended to use the first urine of the day to test for pregnancy. This day I was using a First Response test, which is one of the best pregnancy tests due to its sensitivity. When the three minutes were up, I nonchalantly glanced at the test and looked away and then quickly looked back at the test. I picked it up and thought “no way, that can’t be…there is another line.” I adjusted my eyes and walked into our walk in closet from the master bathroom. I turned the light on and sure enough I wasn’t going crazy. I paced from the closet to the bathroom and back, eyes filling up with tears. I’ve waited years to get a positive test. To see those two lines. To tell Eric. I wanted to do something special but couldn’t contain my excitement. I woke him up and told him to come into the bathroom. I told him I took a test and I thought I was pregnant. I couldn’t stop crying. I knew “something” was going on inside of me. I was having cramps every night and implantation bleeding for a few days which I never had my last two cycles. I prayed to God to feel something/anything. He was giving me what I asked, symptoms.

On Monday, November 3, 2014 I had my beta pregnancy test. After my bloodwork, the lab tech informed me that I could get my results in a couple hours if I wanted to from Medical Records. Eric and I decided that we couldn’t wait and were eager to see what my hCG was. The office always says it has to be over 100; mine was 185.6! The office called hours later and officially congratulated me. It was the best phone call I have ever received from them.

Success after failure is like a huge slice of humble pie. I feel so blessed that it’s difficult putting these feelings into words. All I know is I’m not taking any day for granted and constantly praising God for these lives inside of me. I feel so honored, lucky, and blessed. For those struggling with infertility, do not give up. I never gave up on my dream of becoming a mother. I’m proof that there’s hope with God, Love, and Science. I have a long way to go having a high-risk pregnancy. I just pray these babies continue to keep growing strong. In a few weeks I have a doctor’s appointment to hear the heartbeat and see how many heartbeats there are. Obviously, I’m praying that both of our little miracles survive. One of my favorite verses from the bible that I read out loud every day is Job 5:9. “He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted.” This verse proves that nothing is impossible with God. Just like we expressed in our “About Us” section, we prayed for our miracle baby and had faith that someday we would be blessed with baby Hurless (or 2). 🙂 We want to thank everyone for surrounding us in prayers over the last year. The prayers have been felt and appreciated. Like I’ve said numerous times, I believe in the power of prayer and believe all of you praying contributed to me being blessed. Please continue to pray for our little miracles. We already love them more than words can describe.

One of the first pictures of me pregnant.

Courtney & Eric

Please God let them stick

On Saturday, October 18, 2014 Eric and I left earlier than normal for Michigan in order to watch the OSU game. I’ll always remember that night at the Rusty Bucket cheering on our Buckeyes. Although I was nervous about my retrieval the next day with a new doctor, one of my IVF friends reassured me by saying that sometimes the unexpected is sometimes the best thing for us. For some reason that hit home to me. Like I’ve said before, this cycle has been so different than the others. One would think I would have given up, thrown in the towel, lost all faith and hope failure after failure…that couldn’t be more wrong. My friend and sister in Christ has helped me this cycle become closer to God, reading my bible daily, worshipping, studying His word, and personalizing verses specific to my needs. After the OSU game, Eric and I headed back to our hotel where I called and put my friend on speaker phone and she shared verses, the song “Great I Am,” and then prayed with us, as Eric placed his hands on my womb.

One of my IVF friends and her husband lit a candle for me at Notre Dame in the Grotto.

This friend is someone I aspire to be like. Her confidence in the Lord is powerful. When I first started talking to her I thought how can she have so much faith in me and God?! Doesn’t she know I always fall on the wrong side of statistics?! I told her about my medical history and my last two IVF cycles. Like every IVF cycle, I was concerned with the numbers. Worried about how many follicles, eggs, and embryos I had. She didn’t care about statistics. She said “God likes to prove people wrong. He likes the underdog.” Immediately she noticed a major difference from this cycle that I overlooked, the timeframe. Each of my other cycles seemed to take months from start to finish due to my doctor being on vacation, timing of my cycle, etc. I was in my little tunnel for too long and didn’t recognize this blessing God was showering down on us. She suggested making a list of blessings pertaining to IVF and to start tithing. I have to be honest, Eric I used to tithe but IVF is so expensive that we had to stop so we could afford the treatments. Eric and I had long conversations about whether we should tithe or not due to our tight budget. I couldn’t get Malachi 3:10 out of my mind, the only verse in the bible that tests God: “‘Test me in this’, says the Lord Almighty, ‘and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.'” We decided to start tithing again. Before long, my list of blessings filled my notepad front and back. Blessings started to pour in: donations of fertility meds from friends and my IVF office (saving us around $3,000), multiple unexpected checks in the mail, and “signs” surrounded me like church sermons speaking directly to me about miracles. I knew this wasn’t coincidence. My friend said, “God is throwing you crumbs saying ‘see, stay with me’. He doesn’t want you to worry. Don’t have doubt.” The funny thing is, I didn’t have anxiety this time. I purposely packed my bible in my purse so whenever I had a negative thought I could pull my bible out and read scripture. 

The night before the retrieval, we were hoping for a good night’s rest but a traveling youth hockey team was up until 2AM being rowdy in the halls. I couldn’t sleep anyways. Today was retrieval day, Sunday, October 19, 2014. I couldn’t wait to have this surgery. I could barely walk because my ovaries had so many follicles crammed into them. Having surgery on a Sunday is so different than during the week. The office looked abandoned, with no receptionist, the room darker than normal, TVs off. They were running behind. I actually apologized to my nurse once we were back in our room because I felt like I was grumpy and short with her. I think it was a combination of lack of sleep and the amount of pain I was enduring. I could barely sit on my stretcher. I was the last patient of the day. I met the doctor who was going to be performing my retrieval. He was a very nice person that I had actually met in my follow up appointment with my doctor after our first cycle failed. While I was awake on the operating table before they put me to sleep, he performed an ultrasound so I could see how many follicles I had and gave me a copy of them. I had 18 follicles! It was the most painful ultrasound I have ever had. I remember thinking that I was seconds from telling him to stop the ultrasound and just put me to sleep. It was unbearable. He said some were way too big and it was a good thing I had my retrieval today and not Tuesday, the original scheduled day. I only had 12 follicles that were the right size. I woke up after surgery having another nausea episode. I was in and out of it. The doctor came in and told me that out of 12 follicles I had 8 eggs. Moments later, he rubbed my forehead with back of his palm to gently wake me and told me I actually had 9 eggs. I was happy with those numbers.

Eric said I woke up from surgery and told him take a picture and then fell right back asleep. He did what I asked and said, “smile!” 🙂

On Monday, October 20, 2014 we received the fertilization results. Out of 9 eggs, 8 matured, and 6 fertilized. At first I was concerned with 6 because it wasn’t the magic number 9 that my doctor had always stressed. Since my doctor recommended doing Preimplantation Genetic Screening (PGS) a high number of embryos are important because many of them will not pass the genetic testing or survive. Since my doctor was out of the country the office was going to call him and see what he thought we should do. I cried. I really wanted to do PGS because it would give us more answers. The nurse called back a couple hours later and said she spoke to my doctor on an international phone and he didn’t hesitate; he still wanted us to do the PGS. I felt relieved. The nurse did warn me about cases where couples show up for their transfer and are told that none of their embryos were genetically normal or survived. Even with this news, I knew I had to stay positive. It’s so true that it was in God’s hands now…completely out of my control.

Five days later on Friday, October 24, 2014 we traveled to Michigan for our transfer day. I was scheduled for 1:15pm. The waiting room was packed. It was my doctor’s first day back to work and I was second to last on his schedule. Thank goodness I’m not shy! I met numerous couples who socialized with us in the waiting room. It seemed everyone wanted to hear our story. Two hours later I got called back to room #3. That may mean nothing to you, but 3 is my favorite number, this was my third cycle, my husband made the Ohio State Marching Band on his third try, third times a charm…and here we were sitting in room #3. Once we got back into the operating room, my doctor answered all of my questions and told us everything about our little embryos, including the genders. I cannot wait to share with the world what baby Hurless 1 & 2 are if they survive. 🙂 Out of 6 embryos, only 2 were genetically perfect embryos. These 2 precious embryos were already hatching out of their shells which is wonderful! They are still waiting on results for a third embryo. If it’s genetically normal, they will freeze that embryo for future use. My doctor spent so much time with me. I expressed how nervous I was to go home. The long drive scared me and the dreaded two week wait made me cringe. I’ve said this before, the two week wait has always been the most difficult for me mostly because it has never worked. My doctor reassured me that I would be okay driving home. He said, “it’s not your fault it hasn’t work. It’s either going to implant, or it won’t.” It was such a simple statement, but I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of me. I’ve always told Eric that there is so much pressure on me and those 2 embryos to implant. My doctor then teased me and said that I could go home with him for 2 weeks and stay in his guest bedroom. 😉

 

It was time to insert the two embryos into my uterus. Eric videotaped as my doctor showed us the catheter and then the two tiny lives we created. My doctor moved the ultrasound screen as he pointed at the two bright white dots and said, “Please God let them stick.” It was the most powerful statement my doctor has ever said to me. I’ll never forget those words. That little prayer right then proved that this cycle was so different from the rest. It was truly in God’s hands. I believed. I felt calm. In fact, I didn’t feel a thing “down there.” I had no pain, no worries, and knew once again I was surrounded in prayer. My doctor came into my room after my transfer and asked if I moved my leg. Then he started laughing with Eric. He just loved to tease me. He was right though. None of that mattered if my legs were up, down, sideways, etc. I knew I had to take one day at a time and thank God each day for His many blessings. This two week wait has gone the quickest out of all my cycles. Another blessing to add to the list.

Courtney